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When A Relationship Is Filled With Pain

Updated: Nov 19, 2022

Pain has a purpose.

Pain, whether it be mental or physical, has a purpose. It serves as a cue to make a change.

If you have injured your arm, leg, back, etc., you are aware of the need to rest the area while it heals and how to prevent further damage.

Emotional pain is another signal that can prompt you to either change what you're doing or change the way that you are perceiving something. If you are regularly feeling pain within your relationship, ask yourself where is this pain coming from? Is it from your current relationship? Is it from fears or worries or are your needs not being met? Is it from consistent arguing or misunderstanding? Have you lost the connection? Do you miss how it used to be?

Whatever it is for you, you can now make a new choice. Make a change.

When a long-term relationship gets to the point where you are both in pain most of the time it is natural to fear that the relationship is wrong in some way or that the other person isn't right for you anymore.

This can lead to couples taking drastic action, perhaps to separate, or sometimes they don't take any action at all and the pain goes on, and deepens for years.

Never-ending arguments can occur that spiral out of control and couples can create more aggravation by bringing up old grievances or name calling and being disrespectful. Couples try to get their point across by shouting louder and intensifying the arguments rather than changing the way they communicate or looking to deeper understand what is really going on.

The 'need to be right' takes over their need to be supportive and loving towards their partner. 

They leave arguments unresolved and walk away to ease the pain of yet another argument. This leaves both partners feeling unheard and insignificant.

The act of leaving a conflict while still feeling irritated creates more disconnection and pain.

In order to avoid suffering, many people choose to emotionally distance themselves from their relationship. The issue with this is that by suppressing the pain, you will also suppress the love. They lose feeling. They persuade themselves that they will never feel affectionate toward their partner once more.

It may get to the point where one of you decides that the agony is so severe that it must be your spouse who is to blame, and that the only way to stop the suffering is to leave the relationship, but this can also seem unjustifiable.

You may think:

What about the kids?

What about everything you have created as a couple?

When you both meet someone new, how will you feel?

Is leaving the only option? Have I really tried everything to make this work?

When getting a divorce it is important for you to truly believe that you have done everything you could have done so that you know for sure that your marriage was unsalvageable.

In my experience with the couples I have worked with over the years they begin to feel affection and a close connection with each other once more as they go through the coaching journey and see the effort and commitment their partner is putting in. They realise how important they really are to their partner and the pain eases as their relationship transforms. 

It is surprising how quickly couples can let go of the pain when they see changes within their relationship. Giving up may seem like the only option in times of pain but it is only one option and, most of the time, can involve even more pain for the couple and those around them.


There is a reason why we feel pain in our relationship. It is because something needs to change and you can do something about it. Coaching helps you to reframe your perception of your relationship and your partner, and often yourself. It helps you to see what is working, what the foundations are that make you strong as a couple, and it helps you to understand where the pain is coming from without having to re-live it each session.

Coaching helps you to create massive change in a short period of time and halt the cycle of unhealthy relating.

If you would like support and guidance to help you to learn what you can do to save your marriage or relationship please book your complimentary consultation here.



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