Forgiveness is not something we do to let someone else of the hook. It is not condoning what they did or did not do. We are not saying that it is ok. We can forgive someone and still hold our boundaries.
What we are doing is letting go of our emotional response to it and moving forward. We do this for ourselves. Because it feels awful not doing, because we need to heal and get on with our lives.
Have you ever noticed how heavy it feels to bear a grudge?
When we refuse to forgive it affects our relationships, and it affects how we feel about ourselves. Thinking bad thoughts about someone just doesn't feel good, and for most of us it isn't who we are or how we want to be. So when we forgive, we do it for ourselves.
Because life is too precious and could be so much more calm and joyful if we could learn how to forgive.
Following these steps will help you to gain clarity and forgive easier.
Good luck!
Jane
1. Write it down:
Make a list of people you need to forgive and what you want to forgive them for.
Include what you need to forgive yourself for. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
2. Reflect:
Acknowledge the pain that the lack of forgiveness (on your part) has caused you
and how it currently impacts your life. Is it more painful than the actual experience? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
3. Apologize:
Express your apology through a letter, email, phone call, or in person.
(Remember not to be attached to the results since this is about you, not them.
Do not expect to be forgiven. What will you say?) __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
4. Express grievances:
If there are items on your forgiveness list that you have never addressed
with the person, approach them about it. There may be a misunderstanding
behind the situation, or you may receive an apology.
(Again, do not be attached to the outcome. Express yourself for its own sake.) __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
5. Learn the lessons:
What are some things that you can learn from the situations?
Are there any positives that have or can come out of the experiences?
What lessons could the other person(s) have learned? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
6. Let go:
Release any expectations from anyone else. This includes expectations of
forgiveness or apologies from others or changes in others’ behaviors.
Forgiving doesn’t mean accepting unacceptable behavior, but if the person
does not change it is your responsibility to do what’s right for you,
even if it means cutting ties with the person.
What expectations do you release? ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
7. Reprogram your mind:
Create an action plan on how to shift your resentful thoughts when negative
feelings come up. Even once you forgive, old mental patterns may be
retriggered. Write down what you will tell yourself to remind yourself
of your forgiveness and refocus back to your true desires. ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
8. Live and be free!
Forgiveness is about personal power. A life well lived is your best revenge; therefore take your power back and focus on your desires. Don’t do it because, “You’ll show them,” do it because you want to live your life with freedom and passion. Forgiveness is often an opportunity to learn, grow, and heal. We may even find that the negative experiences were blessings in disguise if we can create a place for forgiveness and acceptance in our hearts. Remember forgiveness is 100 percent your responsibility. Only you can unlock the door to your prison and shift your life from limitation to freedom.