People often ask me what happens in a coaching session? What will we do or talk about? When I explain that I use strategies it can be a little hard to imagine or explain. So, I thought that I would share just one of the strategies that I use regularly so you can get a small taste of what I do. This is one of my favourite strategies as couples learn to love it and I have seen it transform marriages and relationships. It is also very simple!
As I have said before, connection is the ultimate necessity in every happy, healthy marriage.
Without it, you are in trouble.
You can create connection through effective communication and it seems that communication is an absolute mystery to many couples.
"How can he/she hear this when I said that?" Is a common exclamation from frustrated spouses.
Effective communication creates understanding, empathy, and connection.
The issue with many couples is that they are aiming at the wrong thing with their communication. That is to say, that with their communication their goal is to get their spouse to see that they are RIGHT. Needing to be right is a destructive force in relationships, it just doesn't 'fit' into a content marriage. It has no place at all in a healthy happy relationship. The need to be right overrides your capacity to show your partner that you care. You want them to know that you care about them, how they feel, what they want etc, don't you?
I hear you thinking "What is wrong with wanting to be right? Doesn't everyone? Well, yes, people do love to be right in general, but does that mean you need to be right over your partner? The main reason is that when you are right it makes your partner feel wrong. If your partner feels wrong regularly you will find yourself with an unhappy partner, a disconnected relationship and quite likely a relationship with a good dose of conflict. o you want to be right or do you want to be understood? To be heard, acknowledged, valued and cared for?
So, if you make your intention of your communication to understand your partner or help your partner to understand you then you will get a very different outcome. If you make this a habit by practising it regularly it can change your whole relationship.
If you can get your partner on board then it will be even more powerful.
So here it is:
When, what, how.
So the purpose of when what how is for you to be able to express how you feel to your partner without criticising them or making them wrong. It is a way to tackle delicate subjects without conflict. When we criticise our partners, they (men in particular) tend to shut down. (If your man has shut down on you emotionally or verbally then try going a few days without criticising or blaming him and pay him compliments instead, then do this strategy!)