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My Partner Doesn't Understand Me

Updated: Nov 19, 2022

My Partner doesn't understand me

This is one of the most common reasons that my clients come to me for help.

They say they feel as though they are bashing their heads against a brick wall and that they are not being heard, understood, or taken notice of.

The issue is that each of us has a different perspective on, and comprehension of, the world and life. The only way we can understand the world is to use our knowledge to "make a match" to a previous or comparable event, or, if that isn't possible, to treat it as something entirely new. We draw upon our own past experiences to make sense of what they are saying or doing and often times we can interpret this very differently from what or how it was meant.

The problem with this is that when we respond to an incident in a long-term relationship by using the "make a match mode" of our prior experiences, which may not have been our partner's intended interpretation, we act accordingly—well or poorly.

We can get caught up in the moment and find we are being misunderstood.

But if this starts to happen much too frequently, it might be time to take stock and consider why it seems like your partner always misinterprets your intentions or that an argument just started because you disagree with them.

How confident are you that you understand their intentions? 

How would it be if you believed that your partner's aim was not to hurt you but rather they are frustrated at not being heard or understood as well.

The good news is that by learning how to listen to understand and how you both need to be heard, the dynamic will shift and you both will become closer because you will both be able to listen to one other and value each other's perspective on the world.

Within coaching sessions, my clients find these conversations easier and much more productive. With my guidance, and in a safe space, with both of them sharing the same goal- to understand, they often are surprised and pleased at the outcomes of the sessions. When we feel understood we feel like we are with the right person, we feel validated, heard and significant to our partner. 

With the right communication tools and new habits, seeking to understand each other can become a natural and treasured part of the relationship.

This is only one area where I assist clients in learning how to strengthen their bond.

Please get in touch to find out how I can help you with your relationship or go ahead and book your complimentary consultation here.

Jane x


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