Acting Versus Reacting
Would you like to know the causes of the problems in your relationship? Are you curious as to why you feel the way you do? Would you be interested in learning what transpired to cause these emotions?
Ask yourself this - Do you take action or do you react? These two choices have dramatically different effects on your relationship.
Each of us has needs that must be fulfilled in order for us to feel happy, content, and satisfied as individuals. Every one of us has different ways in which we meet our need to be understood and valued.
Couples frequently arrive at my sessions in reaction mode. When they hear their partner speak, they react. They defend and argue, but are they trying to understand? Are they on the same side as their partner striving to get to the root of the upset?
They have established a pattern of behaviour that neither of them or their relationship benefits from. Within all the moments and interactions in your relationship, you have the choice of whether to react or take action. Reacting is arguing back, being defensive, saying things that aren't how you truly feel or saying things that hurt. Taking action is truly hearing what they say and instigating a conversation that allows you to begin to understand what they need and want so that you can work together to make it happen.
Couples have said to me, "But that's how we are," before.
But does this behaviour help you have the kind of relationship you want? One where everybody feels loved, heard and understood. There are so many behaviours that can be damaging to the person and to the relationship. These behaviours may be automatic after a long time and go unquestioned, leading to it being 'normal' behaviour within that relationship. However, most times that is not the person's true nature, they are simply trying to have their needs met in a way that is causing more disconnect in the relationship.
Recognizing a behaviour pattern as the root of your own troubles can be difficult. Why? First off, the person normally acts in a way that makes them feel secure. They may feel appreciated, heard, recognised, or noticed as a result. This does not imply that it is ultimately benefiting them. In reality, they can be doing more harm than good to themselves and the happiness they are trying to find.
The individual can reclaim their true self by striving to understand how and why a behaviour pattern was formed. They can then acquire new, more empowered behaviours to take the place of the old, damaging ones. Even if you have always reacted and you see that as part of you, you can change this if you want to.
Often, the difficulties that couples bring up during our sessions are not the real problems. Usually, the underlying problems run far deeper than that. They discover that they can become a close team with a bond to work toward a common future by working with me to understand each other and themselves, to want to reconnect with themselves and each other, and develop more strong dynamics.
To summarise:
Be present when interacting with your partner, this will help you to choose not to react.
Listen carefully to what they are saying and ask questions to clarify, make the purpose of your conversation to understand and resolve, not defend or react.
If you feel that you and your partner are ready to do what it takes and make long-term changes to your relationship then please get in touch with me to book your complimentary consultation. I would love to help you to re-build or even re-create your marriage or relationship.
You can book your consultation here.
Jane