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What Causes A Partner To Be Controlling?

Updated: Nov 19, 2022

Many couples who come to see me for help with their relationship issues express concern that one of them has taken control.

Love isn't about being in charge, stifling, or limiting your partner.

Successful relationships, in fact, thrive on the opposite. Being in a relationship where you can express yourself freely, and are embraced for being yourself completely, are the most joyful relationships. To feel free (to be yourself) whilst in a relationship is a wonderful feeling.

It's about enjoying each other's differences and recognising each other's strengths, not the other way around. It's about getting to know a person on a deeper level and how they see the world. It's about wishing for the happiness of the other person. It's all about becoming the solution, not the issue.

So, why do people try to exert control over others?

Frequently it is because they believe that if they maintain control, they will be safe. Yes, this may appear to be the case at first, but by seeking to dominate their partner, they are often setting themselves up for a major dose of insecurity when their partner has had enough and begins looking for ways to exit the relationship. As a result, the exact thing they've been attempting to keep becomes the thing they lose.

Anxiety, insecurity, and fear can all cause someone to exert control. Another common factor is that person's needs are not being met. This can be from within the relationship or in their lives in general.

Control has various shapes and disguises, and the 'controller' is often unaware of it. When we recognise our own patterns of control we can then learn what is underneath that need in order for us to change that behaviour pattern. Coaching can help you to identify your patterns and give you the tools and guidance to change them where necessary.

Please get in touch if you feel controlled by your relationship and want to change the dynamic so you can both grow and connect on a deeper level.

Please book your consultation today.

Jane x


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